theorems and corollaries contrived in the kitchen
Theorem. Eating disorders are not about food.
A little palomino horse died suddenly last night— just keeled over without any apparent cause. He was a beautiful thing, golden from head to toe. Apparently he was sweet as well, and even got along with Charlie (my old sassy mare). There are no signs of sickness. The only scrap of evidence is a small puncture behind his knee oozing pus that might be some sort of bite. Snake, maybe? But the ranch manager insists that something like that wound in no way could have killed the horse. When I was looking on the scene from the cliffs this morning and then at the corral, the little guy looked like those plastic toy horses, legs straight and jaunty in the air as they lie on their sides. Might be almost comical if his teeth weren’t bared with his tongue hanging forlornly against the dirt, his penis wasn’t sagging lifelessly from its sheath, and a great mass of red fleshy gut wasn’t forcing itself grotesquely from the horse’s anus. Ring Lake Ranch has an atmosphere of untaintable serenity, but this event seems to have punctured that bubble.
Definition. We call craving for food appetite if it stems from a desire for the emotional or sense-based pleasure achieved by its consumption.
Definition. We call craving for food hunger if it is signaled by a pressured sensation in the stomach and/or throat that is satisfied by its consumption.
I went for a hike yesterday with my mom to Lake Louise. That glacial water was quite possibly the most beautiful lake I have ever seen. Six miles round trip and 1000 ft. elevation gain. Not bad! I love seeing my dog Anna in her element on hikes, and the smell of untainted dirt and foliage is priceless. I thought in Seattle that my entire relationship with my mom was ruined by this whole anorexia issue, but I was wrong. Only half of our old relationship has died. I found that when I arrived and she squealed her lovable squeal and sucked loudly at my cheek and chatted boisterously above my ever-subdued tones, I couldn’t feel the bitterness I expected that would drive me to avoid all contact with her. She so, so loves it here at Ring Lake, and I love seeing her flourish. I love chuckling at the fact that she brought her scooter so she can scoot up to her cabin to avoid the walk up the hill, and I love rolling my eyes over the fact that she brought the effing cat to the ranch. Dan The Cat is pathetic enough at home, too scared to venture past the front porch. Now he exists as a static lump under the covers of Mom’s bed, never moving. What a disgrace.
Anyway, I can still spend a lot of time with Mom, and my spirits with her are as high as they are able to be since my sister announced on behalf of the whole family that I would be sacrificing braid group research (a branch of Abstract Algebra) in Ohio for E.D. residential treatment in Illinois. The half of my relationship with my mom that has died is the half that represented the part of me that trusted my innermost feelings (and sometimes sufferings) to her. But I trust that that will heal with time.
I have lost my mother.
Theorem. If one has an eating disorder similar to anorexia, then she experiences hunger without appetite. (Note: the converse is not necessarily true.)
I have been typing away at this blog entry on a rock in the creek that connects Ring Lake and Torrey (?) Lake. Anna has finally stopped whining, but I had better head back to the ranch soon anyway. My back and butt are starting to hurt. So worth it, though. Such sweet music is this water making!
Lemma. If one has a mindset that is heavily based on logical processes and organized reflection, then she is likely to harbor a need for control of the elements of her life.
Lemma. The pleasure derived from the denial to satisfy hunger signifies a pleasure in achieving control over one’s physical body.
Lemma. If one feels the need to win control over her body through the denial of hunger, then there exists a feeling of lack of control elsewhere in her life.
Proposition. Suppose Sophie experiences symptoms of an eating disorder similar to anorexia. Then by our previous lemmas, she laments over a lack of control of… (???)… that she feels necessary to living a fulfilled lifestyle.
My ultimate goal is to fill in those question marks. Perhaps, then, this proposition can graduate to a theorem! It might take a long, long while though.
“Whenever we try to disown the shadow parts of our being, they seems to acquire strength and begin to take over our lives in the form of obsessions and addictions.”
– Eating in the Light of the Moon